Am I a bad person because I look at the likes on each post before the content?
Whenever I see somebody my age who is successful, i immediately get a drop in the pit of my stomach. I’m not the jealous type. Once the initial feeling takes hold I’m proud of them. Especially if they’re a friend I’m happy for them.
I can honestly say I have never hated anyone in my life (well perhaps that’s dishonest!). But I have no malicious intent towards anyone who goes out there and gets it. I think when you know what you are capable of, seeing other people is like a mirror to your own achievements.
This is why I stopped using facebook. Not the only reason, one of the contributing factors. It’s why I stopped listening to podcasts I enjoyed. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
It just brings up all the time I’ve wasted messing around. Well it’s not time wasted….more invested….still every picture and video I see is another reminder.
How long can you stay feeling bad? Quite a while I reckon – I’ve done a good job these past 2 or so years. Feeling bad I don’t have a book. I don’t have a consistent book. I gave up on my podcast. I don’t have a business. I stopped boxing when in first year of University. That I let my football career end when my knee blew out.
And feeling bad that the people I came up with are soaring and I’m crawling.
As I write this I can see how fucking stupid this is – you don’t need to tell me. I won’t lie and say that comparison is not an automatic impulse.
I know the old adage of work on yourself and concentrate on what you’re doing – still it’s not like some utopian world where that impulse doesn’t strike.
Now do I continue to feel bad – or do I sit down and do the work anyway? I hate (oops lied!) cliches…because they’re true.
Crying over spilt milk
Stay in your lane
Run your race
All that jazz (See what I did there!)
I like to create the story that I’ve invested this time. I think of myself as an adventurer….meant to see feel the depths of humanity to share what I’ve learnt with the world.
Because as that impulse comes on, I look at the people I have around me and the things I have achieved and I’m proud. Truth be told, I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone. Yeah I’m not rich, don’t have a job, house, girlfriend (where’s the good news!!??)…..
But I have a perspective. A way of seeing the world. I have a direction. A calling. I can write. I can write bloody well.
What I’ll write that’s another story. But I want my words to make a difference. And I want to transform lives. And bring something new to the game.
So congratulations to all the players – in the game or not. I’m happy for the motivation. Feeling bad and comparison stealing my joy are no longer possible