How much more pain do you want?
I remember when I first published. That feeling of putting something out there and having someone say they read it….
That autumn of 2013 was the time I realized not just this is something that I wanted to do – this is something that I could do.
Yet I didn’t understand what it takes.
I hated myself. Why was I this inadequate person who couldn’t show up. Why was I weak? Everyone else can do it – yet I can’t.
I even got angry at my inspirations. Like they we’re taunting me.
That mindset was fake. Because I knew. This was my responsibility.
And I had to work on myself to uncover what held me back.
And what I discovered in these months? It’s black and white.
Make a choice to show up. Make a choice to grow up. Or not.
I forgive that idealistic young man.
Because without him, I wouldn’t even be here. He gave me that direction.
And the pain that he felt has enabled this transformation.
In the movie business the sequel is often not as good as the original.
In the life it’s the other way around.
Because there’s so much residue that is there to hold you back – if you let it.
So the fling I had with writing was like a teenage romance. Exciting yet lacking maturity to sustain it.
And you know what – that’s fine. That’s actually pretty cool. I mean how many teenagers can sustain a long term relationship?
It takes experience of feeling pain to understand what you have.
And what you have to do to hold on to it…..