Man it goes back to 2013. Those heady days after University when I read choose yourself and the in between. Jeff Goins and James Altucher. Two legends I looked up to. I was like yo I can do that for my generation. Share those honest stories about what I had done and what I was doing. I always wanted to write books. And then get on those stages and inspire people.
In those years I wasn’t consistent. I avoided the work and addictions took that space where the work was supposed to be. Gambling was my main pursuit. I needed to make money. I didn’t want to get a normal job but I needed to pay the bills to fund this dream. Then I would spend so much time gambling and lose so much money the dream continued to swindle. So I would smoke weed to forget about where i was. Forget that I was still living in my family home and was bringing in no money. That I had no girlfriend, no car…..and of course no art. Then I would masturbate. A lot.
I was a constant source of frustration to my family. Like what is he doing? Doesn’t he realize the impact he has on others?
I would emerge with new inspiration that this time would be different and this time I would really do it. How long those periods lasted for? Weeks maybe. Often just days. Then I would soon go back into my cycle…..
That cycle cleaned me up you could say. Financially definitely. Tackling the gambling addiction was the first thing on the agenda. Going to Gamblers Anonymous in May 2015 was the first step into a new world. A world which I was not comfortable with. I relapsed and came back in October. And that has been the last time.
The void that left was soon filled by my other addictions. And they are what I am tackling now. I haven’t smoked in a month and that is good progress. And I’m maintaining abstinence now.
The dream never died. I put it in a coma yet the calling remained. Writing, making a difference and doing something that mattered. That was my calling. I can’t describe it or explain it. When I sit down at the keyboard I feel like I go unconscious and everything just spiels out of me….
But I don’t want to write with no point. I want this to have some direction. Some purpose. A why.
That takes work. Discovering my voice and that which makes a difference takes work. It’s a daily ritual. And if I go off the boil….it’s only going back to one place. Dark isolation…
So I’m setting sail. To tackle this like never before. Setting a time everyday where the words hit the page. Time to read and learn. Taking a course to start a blog that matters.
There are no other options. I can’t outsmart the work. Can’t out think the hustle.
But I know…this will lead to destinations I can’t even imagine……
And it all starts here.
I don’t know now. But I’ll find out.