F*** Ya Feelings

It’s easy to do the work when life is going well.  Sitting down and writing is a joy….a breeze.  And why I create is because I like it.

However I’m not after doing this as a hobby.  I ant to make a living from this.  To be a professional.

And professionals show up rain, hail and snow.  And they know why there there.  There purpose is secure.

My purpose is uncertain.  Yet the only way to find it is to do the work.  The active work of uncovering those layers to reveal what is deep inside.

And that brings that feeling of awkwardness.  Where I’m stepping into a new territory and not feeling as good as I would like.  So what?  Who cares how I feel?

Will I do the work?  Will I commit the time?

I’m not searching for the why.  It’s right here….waiting for me to reveal it.

And it doesn’t care how I feel.

The Only Answer

I don’t want to do it because

  • I haven’t done it in a while
  • It feels uncomfortable
  • Why did I stop?
  • I’m a failure
  • I don’t know what to do
  • I’m not as good as I used to be
  • What’s the point?
  • It’s hard

………..

Isn’t it funny that these are all statements that can only be corrected and answered by actually doing the work?

So therefore there’s only one phrase that matters….

I’ll do it and find out….

Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometime

You know in the movie when a character has that realisation moment?  Like there’s a moment when they get how much of a jerk they’ve been….and the impact it’s had on other people.

When they get that they’ve been messing up the whole time and it’s not about anyone else?  In fact the other people’s reaction is of direct influence to how they’ve been.

And so it goes the second half of the movie starts and they rise from the ashes and continuously take action to change.

Life is a movie in some ways.  In many others it’s not.  That awareness may be had many a time without the consistent action behind it.  And yet negativity and a lifetime’s of selfishness come back bit by bit…..

I mean a movie has a time limit.  I  live life like there is no time limit.  Because I know yet tomorrow will be different.  And then tomorrow will be different.

And it’s not rosy in that moment.  It hurts.  It hurts real bad.  And it either goes one way or the other….but for how long does it last?

As long as I want it to.  Doubt and frustration are the rawest of emotions to face.  Losing trust and belief feels like the floor is removed from your feet.

But everything that has been done can be undone.  Wounds can be healed.  Pain can turn into joy.

But it doesn’t happen in 90 minutes.  Heck it might not happen in 90 days or 90 months….

But it can happen.  And it will happen.  Not through saying it.  Through showing it.  Taking the body shots, gritting the teeth and coming out round after round.  One day at a time.  One day at a time.

And still I rise.

But have I learnt?  Time reveals truths that are undeniable.

Words casts spells….actions create miracles.

The Hard Thing About Hard Things

Show me something that ever started big….A friend once told me this.  I vaue dreaming.  I think to dream, to aspire for something greater is the foundation of my philosophy.  And it’s not to dismiss or disrespect what I have….it’s just the beauty of the game.  Everyone wants to be a champion in there life I think.  To attain that transformation and creation – whether that be getting into shape, writing a book or building a successful business.

Yet I’m abit like Marty Mcfly cos I always go back to the future.  And the present is something that passes by.  Tomorrow I’ll do it.  Tomorrow I’ll start.  Why didn’t I start yesterday?  Where could I have been?  Where could I be?

The Hard Thing About Hard Things.  I  want to play the game on expert without mastering the level of beginner.  Like sitting down and writing every day.  And posting every day.  And isn’t the game just as fun when your achieving in beginner?  Yeah it is.  But I can’t skip levels.  And then use the fact that I didn’t pay the game to continue to not play the game.

Dreams and visions have the positive of giving me a direction.  At the same time my ego gets crazy.  Like sitting down and writing everyday is beyond me….yet it’s something I haven’t done consistently.  Am I lazy?  Yeah if I want to be.  Can I do it?  Yes is I want to.

Oh boy it’s funny when I write it in print.

Turns out the hard thing about hard things….is only as hard as I make it…..

Words For My Soul

I find myself pondering these questions. Being a writer and publishing books and establishing an online platform is something I’ve been talking about for years now.   I spoke with a friend recently and she said ‘You know you think we’re having a new conversation?  We actually talk about the same thing over and over’

So am I foolish?  Lazy?  Deluded?  Perhaps.  But that’s another story to go down into a vortex of in action.

I read a quote from one of my favorite authors Seth Godin on why he writes.

“I’d do it even if no-one read it,” he said, “It helps me clarify my thinking.”

I was like wow that’s the truth.  When I don’t write there’s a part of me that feels incomplete. I’m at peace when my pen is hitting the pad or my fingers hitting the keyboard.  Drinking some herbal tea and listening to chilled hip-hop beats.

I think the dream and the vision clouds the present.  And I get lost in having a why for my writing, who am I serving, who is my audience and then I get further away from the keyboard.

My ambition becomes my curse.  Because I lack the humility for doing the work just for the sake of doing the work. Because it helps ME.

So hey start from where you are.  No dramatic effects and fancy editing.  No dreams New York Times Bestsellers and blogs with 100000 subscribers.

Just straight up words for my soul.

Peace,

Dubem

Consistency

Consistency….that’s a word that has never excited me.  I mean you say it out loud con-sis-tan-see.  What is interesting about that?
It’s like in football, that player he is consistent.  So he’s average, lacks flair and skill.  He’s just there.
But now it’s a word that’s coming up from all sides.  Yeah your intelligent but you’re not consistent.  Look at all the people you look up to – they are consitent.
They are there.
While I’m not.  Well not all the time.  Showing up for one day, one week, one month – it ain’t gonna get the job done.  For my voice to be heard, to matter, to make a difference I have to show up everyday.  It’s not an obligatory requirement – it’s mandatory.
Yet my life is one of consistent inconsistencies.  Yes that is my reedeeming feature – you can count on me to not ount on me.  Unfinished books litter my room, unfinished blogs, geez I got my degree by the skin of my teeth.
I’ve never been consistent in any project.  Severe lows punctuated with mass highs.
Steady as she goes.  They say you have to get omfortable with being uncomfortable.  I think I have to get comfortable with being consistent.
It’s a simple thing when you break it down.  Do this thing for 3o minutes at this time.  And then do it again.  Yet why does consistency crumble?
I do believe it’s built upon a foundation of knowing yourself.  And when I say that I mean knowing what works for you.  What makes you feel good.  How much sleep you need.  What food your body works well with.  What type of people an you ask for help – and do you ask for help.
And then practically it’s built on a foundation of structure.  Like your life has some consitency embedded in the consisteny.  Consisception if you will.  You wake up at a certain time.  You go to work at a certain time.  You go to the gym at a certain time.  So there are hours which are already in use forcing you to optimise the hours your have left.
I think that’s where I got it mistaken.  I thought I needed more hours to do what I cared about – when in truth I needed less.  I just needed to optimise and consistisize if you will what I do have.
I believe that i am an animal.  In as such that anything can be taught and learned.  Any programming I’ve had over the years can be switched around.
You can teach an old dog new tricks.
And though I diss the school system – there is something to having to sho up at the same time, every day, and repeat the same things.
I mean I can write, talk and add up so they must’ve been on to something?

Comparison Is The Thief Of joy

Am I a bad person because I look at the likes on each post before the content?
Whenever I see somebody my age who is successful, i immediately get a drop in the pit of my stomach.  I’m not the jealous type.  Once the initial feeling takes hold I’m proud of them.  Especially if they’re a friend I’m happy for them.
I can honestly say I have never hated anyone in my life (well perhaps that’s dishonest!).  But I have no malicious intent towards anyone who goes out there and gets it.  I think when you know what you are capable of, seeing other people is like a mirror to your own achievements.
This is why I stopped using facebook.  Not the only reason, one of the contributing factors.  It’s why I stopped listening to podcasts I enjoyed.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
It just brings up all the time I’ve wasted messing around.  Well it’s not time wasted….more invested….still every picture and video I see is another reminder.
How long can you stay feeling bad?  Quite a while I reckon – I’ve done a good job these past 2 or so years.  Feeling bad I don’t have a book.  I don’t have a consistent book.  I gave up on my podcast.  I don’t have a business.  I stopped boxing when in first year of University.  That I let my football career end when my knee blew out.
And feeling bad that the people I came up with are soaring and I’m crawling.
As I write this I can see how fucking stupid this is – you don’t need to tell me.  I won’t lie and say that comparison is not an automatic impulse.
I know the old adage of work on yourself and concentrate on what you’re doing – still it’s not like some utopian world where that impulse doesn’t strike.
Now do I continue to feel bad – or do I sit down and do the work anyway?  I hate (oops lied!) cliches…because they’re true.
Crying over spilt milk
Stay in your lane
Run your race
All that jazz (See what I did there!)
I like to create the story that I’ve invested this time.  I think of myself as an adventurer….meant to see feel the depths of humanity to share what I’ve learnt with the world.
Because as that impulse comes on, I look at the people I have around me and the things I have achieved and I’m proud.  Truth be told, I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone.  Yeah I’m not rich, don’t have a job, house, girlfriend (where’s the good news!!??)…..
But I have a perspective.  A way of seeing the world.  I have a direction.  A calling.  I can write.  I can write bloody well.
What I’ll write that’s another story.  But I want my words to make a difference.  And I want to transform lives.  And bring something new to the game.
So congratulations to all the players – in the game or not.  I’m happy for the motivation.  Feeling bad and comparison stealing my joy are no longer possible

I’m Tired Of Running

Nowhere to go and I’m getting there fast.  That’s a lyric from Beanie Seagel.  That’s been my life for a long time.  Running away from writing.  Running away from doing the work.  Running away from being uncomfortable.
Previously I found comfort in gambling.  I could spend 24 hours locked in front of a laptop playing poker.  Now as I am in recovery for that, the devestation that brings is printed on my mind.  So that is the last place to run to.
So I run to weed.  That’s a familiar place.  Buy a ten bag, smoke a joint to myself, fall asleep, wake up do it again.
Eventually the weed runs out and all I’m left with is a full stomach and an empty feeling of guilt and worthlessness.  So can’t run there anymore.
Then I run to porn.  How many times can you masturbate in a day?  Not more than ten….eventually my body can’t do it.
Worthlessness and shame.
The life of avoiding work is more tiring than doing the work.  It’s a boring existence of procrastination and delay.  Of self hatred and guilt.  Of projection of what people will think and using excuses to do nothing.  A world of options, yet no intentional choice to follow one path.
A world of idealism and naivety.
Fear has ran my life.  I thought I’d cracked it when i discovered it.  Yet it’s clever.  It’s like Mystique from X-Men, takes the shape of somebody familiar just to get close to you and stick a knofe in your heart.  All these things I knew how to do them.  Yet they wrapped there arms around me and slowly strangled the zest I had.
The beauty is I have the control.  It’s funny I laugh sometimes aboutt his – nobody put a gun to my head and said be a writer.  Nobody said go after the path of sharing your message and make a living from it.  Nobody told me that transforming lives through words was the way to go.
I chose to do this.  I chose to do this.  I think that deserves repeating.  I CHOSE TO DO THIS.
So my feet have come to a standstill. And I turn around and see what I’m running from.  And there’s nothing there.  False words and contradictions.
There comes a time in every dreamers life where you either shit or get of the pot.  Where you become a professional and take your craft seriously – or you might aswell just pack it all in.  Sitting on the fence and fucking bout just gives you a sore arse.
How do you do that?  Well I think that’s what I’m going to explore.  I believe a choice is made.  I’m tired of running.  No more.
Now I’m going on the offence!

There Is Nothing Worse Than Potential Unfulfilled (What Makes Me Angry About The World)

I’m not really an angry person.  I get more frustrated than anything.  And when I look into the world what frustrates me is potential unrealized. Ideas never created.  And that our large institutions do not address this issue.  That should be the focus for the large institutions in the world.  So much money is put into academia and people finding work, yet where is the money spent on people realizing there visions and potential?
There’s so many public speakers and inspirational figures out here, yet the science and the real facts about what it takes to realize your vision are lacking.  It’s summed up into platittudes such as ‘Just do it’ or ‘never give up’ and that’s bullshit.  Well it’s not bullshit, those statements are true.
But how?  And why do I feel like this everyday.  Why do I have this resistance that has paralyzed me?
Or should I say I have let myself be paralyzed?
The culture in society needs to embrace those who walk the journey.  I believe that’s why people beat themselves up for a fear of being judged.  Yes that fear is all self created and our natural default.  Yet where is the voices in society that says that it’s ok.  It’s ok if you didn’t finish.  And not just that it’s ok – embrace that.
Embrace that you had the courage to start.
Nobody likes failure.  It doesn’t feel pretty when your in it.  And when you emerge society doesn’t give us that guidance into what it takes to translate those lessons, and how to connect our vision with the world.
 Yet I’m not getting bogged down in looking outward.  Because I have a lot of internal work to do.  Because anyone can preach about what should be and what the world is lacking.  Yet the power is in the being.  Is in me actually BEING that guy who realized and continues to realize the visions he has for himself – and openly talks about the pain and shame he went through to do that and shares the lessons and tools he picked up and utilizes in his life as a way of being.
So that is that.  I have a direction.  And it is wonderful.

The Mind Of A Self- Sabotager (AKA How To Not Pursue Your Passion And Be Insane)

What should I call my blog?  Could use my name, call it I am Limitless, The road to forever.
I can write about personal development, creating connections…business or entrepreneurship…or addiction…
What course should I take? Live your legend has a good post…then Jeff Goins has got a new course that’s interesting…of Fizzle is really cool
What will people think….I can’t say that really….I’m a compulsive gambler and marijuana addict…who the hell will listen to what I have to say
Haven’t posted in months….can’t start today…no need to be ready….need a landing page…new logo….which logo should I use….
Which style or writing should I use….write a how to post…or just general thoughts…..
I need an ebook to give away….how do I write one…..can use SJ Scott’s 21 days….or should I write a manifesto….
Oh I don’t have any money…..can’t get it printed…..what am I even writing about anyway….
Well I haven’t written in ages anyway…..maybe I should make youtube videos….I’m quite good at talking….how do I edit videos…
What am I going to talk about anyway…..the addiction thing…..personal development…..oh how about this whole stop start thing….
I can’t write that…..what will my family think me putting this out there…….
Wrote that….that is fucking trash….need to edit the shit out of it….oh it’s even worse now…
Oh for fuck sake it’s been 4 months….why the fuck did I stop…..if only I’d have kept going where would I be….you’re a fucking fool….why can’t you finish anything…..
I need to get away from this…..where’s the number need a ten bag to stop this shit on my mind….
Look at this guy….fucking hate him….look at all the likes he’s got…..he ain’t shit….but his better than me he can actually do stuff
How long will this go on for…..I know I can do it….but I can’t do it….
Oh what’s the point of writing…..nobody cares…..wait nobody cares
YES DUBEM MENAKAYA, NOBODY CARES!!!  So if nobody cares – then who has to care?  ME!  DO WHAT YOU CARE ABOUT !  YOU AIN’T HERE TO IMPRESS NOBODY.  THEY AIN’T BEEN WHERE YOU BEEN.  THEY AIN’T SEEN WHAT YOU SEEN.
So will you continue to run away from you’re calling and cause yourself more pain?
Or will you show up with authenticity, honesty and humility?  And do what you know to do?
Because as long as you care, that is all that matters.  You are free.’