I used to pride myself on my ability to write last minute essays. Thinking pfft 12 weeks….bags of time. 9 weeks? Pfft bags of time. 6 weeks? Pfft bags of time.
Until …1 day….not bags of time!
At some point I would kick onto fight or flight. There was no choice to delay. If I don’t do this I’ll fail.
So I’d hit the library and start working. I would work all night, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes until I had met the word count and then submit.
Finally…..peace.
The whole time I had been delaying the writing, this niggle had been getting at me. I know I should write my essay….but I’m going out with my friends.
Or I’m going to play football. Or I’m going to watch Breaking Bad. Or something else.
Those brief moments of peace were always followed by the continual lingering sense of not doing what I know to do.
Now I wasn’t in love with many of my essay topics.
However I carried that attitude over into the things that I wanted to do.
It’s only through the actual doing….the being….that I got it.
This is the call. It’s like a phone ringing all the time. Sometimes the volume is louder, sometimes it’s quieter.
That ring is always there. And you know it won’t stop until you answer the call.
So how do you know if it’s something that you actually want to do?
Well if you keep thinking about it….not just for months…for years – that’s a pretty good indicator.
However it’s only through the action that you understand. I thought I wanted to be a professional footballer for years. And as much as I enjoy watching and playing football, being a professional and all the activities that involve doesn’t particularly excite me. As I took my training more seriously, I began to understand that this wasn’t it.
And that’s cool. Because knowing what you don’t want to do, is just as important as knowing what you do want to do.
Answering the call is not going to give you the final answer. It’s more of a clue.
That information is only truly understood from taking that next step.
Because it’s actually more painful to not do something your being called to do. It’s the procrastination, fear and shame vs taking action on something that interests me.
Of course, the nature of the game is that it’s easier said than done.
Or maybe it’s easier done than said….
Peace,
Dubem
